****THIS IS A SATIRE****
Wazzup my G-Units! I know my Press Secretary J-Bird wants me to talk about this shooting in Orlando and stuff so…yeah, crazy right? People dying and stuff…not good. I gotta spit some truths, though. In the hood, that’s how we live. Ya know? I remember pledging to the Crips when I was just a little playa’ tryin’ to make it. Doing drive-by’s, sellin’ dope, you know…just straight ballin’. By the way, I still sell a little grass on the side, so if anyone is interested hit a brotha’ up.
Anyway, enough about all that, back to me. Guess where I’m taking the fam this weekend? Yosemite! I know Michelle is super excited, she can’t wait to cook around the campfire and stuff. Ya know…wifey things. I’m messing with you homies, our chef Roberto is coming…